Its been a while.

Wow! It has been such a long time since I posted something on here! I think I will try and start writing again! Reading my previous posts I dont even recognize my writing!!! I used to lay in bed and jot down ideas that were floating around in my head at night when I couldnt fall asleep. Although my life has greatly changed since 2006 and 2007 so I'm not sure my writing would be anything like it was in the past. I guess the only thing to do is try it out and see. Here's writing! ;-)

I wish my heart didn't care about you and my eyes wouldn't cry over you. :-(

Thoughts of you and i

It seems foolish to fall in love with someone in a matter of days, almost seems immature. The heart starts to reconsider its beliefs and runs far away from the possible act of love. Not understanding how something so remarkable can acquire such strength and ability so instantaneously. The mind follows suit, ordering unkind and vicious thoughts. The body conforms to the rules and avoids any contact or conversation so as to not stir up any controversy between the mind and the soul. The wait is on! Before long the heart begins to realize how absurd this puzzle of suspicion is, and slowly lets it go and finally welcomes it in. The mind constantly won't let the past be the past and continues to hold a grudge on what it believes are the appropriate measures to be following. The body tries to follow correctly but gets caught in the war, finding out the only way to release the tension is by the outpour of tears. The mind never understands that the heart is the path taken by the soul; the heart keeps the soul alive and alert. The game continues with the heart winning more battles and the body slowly conforming over to follow along, ceasing the tears. The questions now need to be resolved by the mind- when does the past stay the past and the present start being a part of the future? Is it wrong to be afraid of what our future holds? To not understand the path our road is winding on? They say that love is instant, a flash of fireworks in the night sky, and that one single day will be remembered and cherished forever. How do you know when that love is a gift sent from angels above and not just another game pulling apart your head and your heart. When all you feel is closeness and compassion and life and passion for the other, who is to tell you that its not a sign of love? What single act proves that it is love? Does true love instantly show its light, or does it make you wait and figure it out slowly on your own? The mind has many questions, many of those will never be answered, many of them can never be answered. Until the mind can solve its own puzzles, the war will continue to be battled.

Dont say another word. Put my finger to your lips and press.

Who knew that moving wouldn't be the answer to subdue my drama filled life? The ones that I've known the longest have now damaged and wounded my heart then left bruises to prove and flaunt it to the world. The words and actions they display towards mankind stir up my universe and the lives included in it. My attitude towards existance has declined and I no longer see reason to stay around. Why stay somewhere where lies fall freely out of mouths and where respect is speaking an unknown language?

Untitled

All these days pass me by too fast
Make them stop spinning I want this to last
One day you are here in front of my face
The next is goodbye and you're lost in space
I don't need my world to start falling apart
Please tell me you won't ever break my heart
Everything needs to fall back in place
I will not participate in this distracting chase

So what the hell did I do
Why is my world turning so blue
And what really can I change?
When did everything become so strange?

I can't delete your face or the thoughts in my head
The tears keep rolling, I don't ever wanna leave this bed
All this pain is causing me to stress
My head, my heart, my life; its all a mess
You don't care to hear my side of the story
Please give me back my heart and all its glory
Just tell me my world will turn out okay
Without you here its all going astray

So what the hell did I do
Why is my world turning so blue
And what really can I change?
When did everything become so strange?.

mlb.8.4.06

If you run away now, will you come back around?

All within a single month's time there have been a handful of significant souls erased from my fast paced and ever changing life. A few were displaced because of bad manners and raging tempers, a couple left on their own after realizing they were never intended to collide with the likes of mine, and then in the middle of there and here, one very valuable and irreplaceable soul, decided its time to run far away from life, departing and starting anew in a safer, unlived environment. Who says you can't try to avoid those everyday speedbumps that might slow the clouds and sunsets down just a tad?

The first four souls I have realized have always and will always be bad news in today and tomorrows headlines. The front page of "my life" becomes even clearer of the voices that need to be eliminated from voicemails and words that need to be erased from hungry texts and lifeless letters. The ones that I've known will never make a mark, an impression, or make me a better person. And the others that will never be good enough or smart enough to live a block away from my heart.

Somehow in the midst of negative thoughts, some being up above and in my heart knows the path I'm destined to sprint along and is making it very straight forward the precise angle and direction I'm allegedly moving. Still, one of the most crucial and significant souls to participate in my daily functions and spuratic meltdowns is leaving to change the background scenery up a bit. With this drastic move about to take place, my world starts crumbling to the ground in huge chunks, barely stopping to break apart and turn into grains of sand. Never have I felt so cold and alone, and this is only the beginning. I have simply heard the news, the actual travel will take place a few weeks down the road.

Don't read too deep, no ones implying that this is goodbye. For one its merely hello and the other a whispering "I'll miss you!" I can't seem to express the correct emotions to display what my heart is internally feeling. Tears fall but what do they really accomplish? Papers seem to be thrown everywhere crumpled on the floor and next to the overflowing trash can. My words seem worthless, nothing intelligent is flowing from my mind to my fingers. I can't convey how the words "I miss you" is only half the story. The other half is the realization that 2 hours away turned into 2 days away, and one quick sentence changed the way I'm looking at how to live for tomorrow.

There's really no way to reach me, beacuse I'm already gone...

As I start the move into my new apartment, a new life emerges from my skin and "Saying goodbye to those in my life that cause stress and pain" seems to be the only way that my true inner self can be released. The person that I am, has hidden behind people and feelings, and now that the negative aura is being erased, I'm free to move on and be myself. For almost 4 years I've placed my world in the palm of someones elses hand.

Three different boys equal three different perceptions of love, all resulting in weeks maybe months of insecurities and vulnerablities to every being that displayed emotions.There was this one that tried to give his whole heart and soul, in the end he proved to everyone that the love he sworn was genuine was in fact artificial and phony. Then the next who said every line in the book to make sure I was only his. Then as soon as I turned my back for one milisecond, goes finding another dame to cure his solitary life. The last pretended to have some concern for my life and well being when in turn only cared about his own existance and gaining as much attention as his head could possibly hold between each hit and every line tolerated.

Why I ever gave my affection to anyone is beyond me, and now that my head has come to the determination that I'm free from all previous encounters, I can conquer all the goals and destinations my somewhat trivial heart can endure. I believe its time to begin a new chapter in my life, one free of drama and unneccesary affairs. Goodbye old, hello new.